Tasing Yourself In The Hamstring, And Other Bad Study Habits To Get Rid Of Before Finals
Finals are coming up, and there are so many terrible ways to study. To help you become the best version of yourself for finals season, […]
New Documentary Reveals Existence Of Secret Fourth Beatle
LIVERPOOL — In stunning never-before-seen footage, the new documentary “The Beatles: Get Back” appears to suggest the existence of a previously unknown fourth member of […]
Gene Block Re-Releases 8 Clap (10 Minute Version)
WESTWOOD — Following UCLA football’s victory over USC, Gene Block has re-released a 10 minute version of UCLA’s 8 clap. “Stream now on Spotify, Apple […]
Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect
WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the […]
Scientists Discover Why Looking At Photos Of Gene Block Makes Your Dick Twitch
CAMBRIDGE— After several months of careful experimentation, MIT’s leading neurologists have finally identified why scrolling through Chancellor Gene Block’s Facebook makes your dick twitch. “The […]
Opinion: I Went Undercover To Expose Frat Culture And I’m Having The Time Of My Life
WESTWOOD — When I arrived on the first day of rush, I was a man with a mission. It was my first time ever encountering […]
Uh Oh! You Just Got Invited To An Improv Show
WESTWOOD — Amateur comedians have been bombarding unsuspecting students over the past week with invites to their improv shows, and you are their latest victim. […]
Thanksgiving Dinner Ruined By Grandpa’s Politics, And His Musty Fucking Breath
HOME — Grandpa Max ruined his family’s annual thanksgiving dinner by bringing up his insensitive antiquated politics and by having really smelly breath. “I think […]
Macy’s Thinks It’s About Time Deadbeat Nordstrom Hosts Parade For Once
NEW YORK CITY — In a statement given Thursday morning, Macy’s reaffirmed its displeasure with having to throw the annual Thanksgiving Day parade, calling upon […]
Thanksgiving Renamed To White Thursday
WASHINGTON — In the spirit of color coordination and honoring our colonial past, the White House has announced that Thanksgiving will be renamed White Thursday. […]