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News

FDA Approves Emergency “Thoughts And Prayers” Treatment For Gunshot Victims

May 28, 2022 Serena Lee 0

SILVER SPRINGS, MD — The recent shooting in Uvalde, TX which left 21 dead has prompted the Food and Drug Administration to grant emergency use […]

Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done

May 26, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]

Dog In Hiding After Owner Plays “Dog Days Are Over”

May 25, 2022 Billie Chang 0

WESTWOOD — Late Monday morning, 10-year-old French bulldog Missy was found by park-goers hiding in a makeshift bunker after her owner played Florence and the […]

Student Has A Blast At Virtual Study Abroad

May 24, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — Due to the pandemic, second-year linguistics student Dan Gene-Attell willingly paid $20,000 to take online classes from Barcelona, Spain while remaining in his […]

“He Doesn’t Bite,” Says Man About Dog Who Stabs People

May 20, 2022 Amariyah Lane-Volz 0

CORNER BY CHICK-FIL-A — Area man Brad Perez confirmed this week that while his dog Brutus does not bite people, he does stab them. “Of […]

Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up

May 19, 2022 Billie Chang 0

SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]

Hottest Spot For Grad Photos Is Sidewalk Pit Outside Of CVS

May 18, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA seniors are taking their grad photos at the hottest spot in town: the sidewalk pit outside of CVS. “In some ways, it’s […]

Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email

May 16, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]

Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio

May 12, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]

Powell Cat Denies BBL Allegations

May 11, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD— Campus celebrity Powell Cat has been looking especially juicy lately, and fans allege that he has had a Brazilian Butt Lift. “It’s disappointing to […]

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