I Lived It: My Face Card Got Declined
WESTWOOD – It’s 3:30, and I just got out of class to go to Kerckhoff Coffeehouse. It’s been a long day and I need my […]
Arts
Charlie Brown Diagnosed With CTE
ANYTOWN, USA – After getting his 7th concussion from failing to kick the football, Charlie Brown has been diagnosed with chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE). “Wah […]
Well, That Can’t Be Good! Las Vegas Sphere Rolls Away
LAS VEGAS — The Las Vegas entertainment industry suffered a devastating loss this past weekend when a strong gust of wind sent the world-famous Sphere […]
Early Hominids Clustered Around John Wooden Monolith Miraculously Discover Tool Usage, Basketball
DAWN OF MAN – Following reports that a mysterious large black monolith has encased the John Wooden statue on Bruinwalk, a local group of early […]
Dune: Part Two Beats Out Magic Mike To Become Highest Grossing Film To Feature A Massive Worm
LOS ANGELES — With a stunning $500 million domestic box office revenue, Denis Villenueve’s Dune: Part Two has passed Magic Mike’s $167 million revenue to […]
Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient
Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]
Frank Ocean Overworked From Coachella Set, Announces Next 7 Year Hiatus
INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 […]
If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate
NAHSUD, CK — Aquaked climpower attelling adil. Imstreockt, xillo papapay eraow cellordion fierer skegypteardis ocolog prograker kalistindered cesstial. Ce guinsters xetarious (belleciarcle) feple. Muelhevinet surogou […]
Gene Block Joins Cast Of “Barbie” (2023)
MALIBU— UCLA students were starstruck on Tuesday when they saw Westwood’s own Gene Block in the trailer for the highly-anticipated film “Barbie” (2023). “Gene joined […]