Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad
VATICAN CITY — How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time […]
Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”
CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]
Psychology Professor Denies Mental Health Related Extension
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday evening, UCLA Professor of Psychology Dr. Janice Smith denied her student’s request for a mental health related extension on her final […]
Confident 100 Year-old Still Buys in Bulk
LOS ANGELES — Despite his advanced age of 100, local World War II veteran Percival Buckland remains steadfast in his patronage of the Sepulveda Costco […]
Second-Year Reverses “Blue Lives Matter” Stance After Receiving Minor In Possession Citation
WESTWOOD — Second-year business economics student Cassie Duvall recently reversed her support for the Blue Lives Matter movement after receiving a citation on Thursday evening […]
3 Signs the Girl Who Liked Your Post in the Class GroupMe Is in Love With You
You have been looking for some romance, but never thought you might find it in your chemistry group chat with 589 people. After replying to […]
Student Realizes Quarantine Not The Problem
WESTWOOD — After skipping her first week of in-person classes to lie in bed and watch YouTube videos about 16th century ship-building techniques, third-year Cognitive […]
New Disney Film to Include Studio’s 25th First Gay Character
BURBANK — In a promotional interview for the Walt Disney Company’s newest animated feature, Encanto, CEO Bob Chapek revealed that the film would include the […]
UCLA Doubles Down On “Zero Waste 2020”
WESTWOOD — On Tuesday, Chancellor Gene Block reaffirmed in an address to the university that UCLA will be waste-free by 2020. “Although we are well […]
Math Major Aspires to 69
WESTWOOD — Second-year applied math student Jake Willow has a dream: to someday 69. “I’ve spent a lot of time in college learning about math, […]