Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]
Playboy Donates Full Catalog To Trump Presidential Library
BEVERLY HILLS — In a press release sent out this morning, Playboy Enterprises announced that they would be donating their entire back catalog to the […]
Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints
To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]
Area Man Receives Prostate Exam Through Telehealth Appointment
LOS ANGELES – After turning forty-five years old during the latest Coronavirus lockdown, area man Matt McTubbins decided to receive a prostate exam from his […]
Acclaimed Professor Struggles to Screen Share
WESTWOOD – UCLA Professor Barclay Hughes, renowned expert in 12th century steelwork and author of numerous foundational papers in the field, appeared almost childlike in […]
Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium
MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]
Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
New Lockdown Order Closes Living Rooms After 10:00 p.m.
LOS ANGELES — County health authorities announced last night that Los Angeles will be moving to the magenta tier, closing all nonessential businesses, services and […]
Respondus LockDown Browser Thinks You Should Smile More
CYBERSPACE — As you attempted to begin your Monday morning midterm, the anti-cheating application Respondus LockDown Browser™ released a statement suggesting that you would look […]
Breakout Room Enters Day Three Of Awkward Silence
WESTWOOD — Tension is running high this morning as an Introduction to Communications discussion entered its third straight day of awkward silence. “This disaster began […]