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Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card

February 24, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]

Playboy Donates Full Catalog To Trump Presidential Library

February 23, 2021 Dylan Wood 0

BEVERLY HILLS — In a press release sent out this morning, Playboy Enterprises announced that they would be donating their entire back catalog to the […]

Op-Ed: Our Carbon Footprints Aren’t As Big As Our Carbon Assprints

February 22, 2021 Al Gore 0

To preface this argument, I would just like to acknowledge that I care about society a lot. I do think that the climate is changing […]

Area Man Receives Prostate Exam Through Telehealth Appointment

February 19, 2021 Arman 0

LOS ANGELES – After turning forty-five years old during the latest Coronavirus lockdown, area man Matt McTubbins decided to receive a prostate exam from his […]

Acclaimed Professor Struggles to Screen Share

February 9, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD – UCLA Professor Barclay Hughes, renowned expert in 12th century steelwork and author of numerous foundational papers in the field, appeared almost childlike in […]

Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium

January 29, 2021 Gillian Smith 0

MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]

Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19

January 29, 2021 Analisa Burns 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]

New Lockdown Order Closes Living Rooms After 10:00 p.m.

January 20, 2021 Jade Lacy 0

LOS ANGELES — County health authorities announced last night that Los Angeles will be moving to the magenta tier, closing all nonessential businesses, services and […]

Respondus LockDown Browser Thinks You Should Smile More

December 14, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

CYBERSPACE — As you attempted to begin your Monday morning midterm, the anti-cheating application Respondus LockDown Browser™ released a statement suggesting that you would look […]

Breakout Room Enters Day Three Of Awkward Silence

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WESTWOOD — Tension is running high this morning as an Introduction to Communications discussion entered its third straight day of awkward silence. “This disaster began […]

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  • Breakout Room Enters Day Three Of Awkward Silence

    WESTWOOD — Tension is running high this morning as an Introduction to Communications discussion entered its third straight day of awkward silence. “This disaster began […]

  • COVID Positive Rudy Giuliani Checks Into Walter Reed Hardware Store

    WASHINGTON, DC — Following his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Rudy Giuliani has reportedly checked himself into Walter Reed Hardware Store, a small building supply company located […]

  • Respondus Reveals New LockDown Sniper

    REDMOND, WA — Earlier today, Respondus, the software company known for its controversial LockDown Browser, revealed their latest product: the all-new Respondus LockDown Sniper™. “Respondus […]

  • Election Lowers Average Age Of Senate From 87 To 86

    WASHINGTON — Following the poll-defying results of the 2020 general elections, the demographic of the Senate has been altered, some say, for the better. “We […]

  • NFL Plans To Quarantine COVID Positive Players In Team Facilities

    NEW YORK — In a statement on Monday, National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell announced new COVID-19 protocols in the aftermath of increased coronavirus cases […]

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Jade Lacy
  • Acclaimed Professor Struggles to Screen Share
  • New Lockdown Order Closes Living Rooms After 10:00 p.m.
  • CCLE Wishes To Become A Real Website

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