Joe Bruin Comes Out
WESTWOOD — In honor of Pride Month, Joe Bruin has come out as homosexual. “You like that, gays?” said a spokesperson for the mascot during […]
Campus
Boelter Hall Plaza To Be Turned Into Rainforest Cafe
WESTWOOD — After years of appearing only vaguely wild and jungle-like, the UCLA Samueli School of Engineering will finally be building a Rainforest Cafe in […]
Fifth-Year Continuing To Major In “Fundecided”
WESTWOOD — Long-term student Brody Martin, currently enrolled in his fifteenth quarter, informed his counselor Monday that he is taking a lighter course load this […]
Remember That Petition You Signed As A Freshman? Well, Now Your Family Is Being Held For Ransom
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Patricia Le received news today that her family is being held for ransom after signing an environmental petition that exposed all their […]
Gene Block Permanently Banned From All UCLA Stores
ACKERMAN UNION — Gene Block was permanently banned at the Ackerman branch of the UCLA store this morning for the act of [REDACTED] right next […]
Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year history major Elisa Lee, who has zero marketable skills or relevant work experience, has just announced her intention to go to graduate […]
“It’s Just Seasonal Depression,” Says Student During Spring Quarter
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Primrose Miller claimed Monday that their depression is just seasonal, despite it being week eight of spring quarter. “I’m usually totally fine. […]
UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets
WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]
Students Troubled By Lack Of Old White Men To Vote For In USAC Elections
WESTWOOD — A gamut of candidates have thrown their hats in the ring to get on the USAC payroll, yet some students are left wishing […]
Guy Holding Gene Block’s Voodoo Doll Ups Athletics Budget Again
WESTWOOD — Local scalawag and marionette enthusiast Gepetto Johnson, who is the proud owner of Gene Block’s voodoo doll, made it increase the athletics budget […]