WESTWOOD — In light of Trump’s new bans on transgender healthcare, the Ashe Center has teamed up with the Samueli School of Computer Science to unveil a new, non-surgical approach to gender affirming care. “After a few failed attempts with ‘girl math’ and ‘boy poetry’ programs, we’ve settled on a medical solution to gender dysphoria that we think will satisfy both sides of the aisle,” commented top UCLA scientist Dr. J.K. Grimes, whose past clinical trials include an experimental operation that gave children with cancer a free t-shirt. “Our studies have shown that coding for 10 to 20 hours a day is actually really good for the body and mind. Transgender students will be so confused by address pointers and pass-by-value functions in C they’ll forget all about the horror of being trapped inside the wrong body while living in a fascist hellscape.” The new treatment, estimated to cost $135,782 with UC SHIP, comes with an Adderall addiction and a voucher for one free cup of coffee at Joe n’ Go.