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Articles by Melissa Beining

Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email

April 21, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]

Oops, Grandma Ate A Plastic Egg And Now We’re Praying For A Second Resurrection

April 19, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

USC MEDICAL CENTER — Bringing a tragic end to a day of religious festivities, Grandma ate a plastic egg, and now we’re asking God in […]

Syllabus Says 95% Of Grade Determined By How Smart You Sound Introducing Self To Class

April 1, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Most students in Professor McDugal’s course on negotiation were horrified to learn that 95% of their grade would be determined by how smart […]

Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini

March 14, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]

UCLA Attempts Greater Transparency, Confesses Most Philosophy Professors Have Several Hundred Page Manifesto

February 16, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Amid a push for increased transparency with the student body, UCLA has confessed that almost all of their philosophy professors have several hundred […]

Rihanna Teases Lullaby Album She Will Release On Baby’s Sixth Birthday

February 2, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

NEW YORK — Rihanna announced her pregnancy with ASAP Rocky this week, as well as plans for a lullaby album, though the release date is […]

Seven Deadly Sins Revised To Include Not Refilling The Brita

January 19, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

VATICAN CITY — The Holy Roman Catholic Church announced on Tuesday that the Seven Deadly Sins will be revised to include Not Refilling the Brita. […]

CCLE To Be Publicly Executed

December 8, 2021 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — After years of complaints from staff and students, Gene Block announced that he will personally execute the CCLE course management system. “A few […]

Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect

December 1, 2021 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the […]

Kyrsten Sinema And Mitt Romney Get To Second Base On Senate Floor

November 3, 2021 Melissa Beining 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sens. Sinema and Romney engaged in a bout of heavy petting and excessive tonguing on the Chamber floor after working together to […]

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