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Articles by Melissa Beining

Gene Block Says Campus Wifi Won’t Truly Get Better Until It Learns To Accept Help

November 14, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD— Gene Block told the UCLA community on Wednesday that administrators staged a “promising” intervention with the campus WiFi, but admitted that we can’t expect […]

Quirky, Enigmatic, Brilliant, And Other Adjectives To Describe Daniel Radcliffe

November 9, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

TORONTO — On the red carpet of his recent biopic premiere, Weird Al Yankovic offered our reporter some words that can be used to describe […]

Angry woman shouting at mirror and crying

Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up: Learn To Spot The Symptoms Of E. coli

October 21, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — The CDC is reportedly concerned that signs of E. coli are being confused with reactions by some members of the public to recent […]

Sloppy Drunk Joe Biden Spotted At Fat Sal’s

October 15, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD— Joe Biden was spotted just after 1 a.m. Saturday morning at the Westwood Fat Sal’s, having wined and dined the day away with the […]

REPORT: All The People Alive Are Out There Right Now

October 10, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WASHINGTON, DC — According to a new report from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, everyone currently alive has been confirmed to be out there right […]

Point: That’s A Cute Shirt / Counterpoint: Not With Your Boobs

May 23, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

P: That’s a cute shirt. By: Melissa Beining It’s everywhere. It follows. It can’t be categorized, yet it’s instantly recognizable. It’s inexplicable—yet, undeniable, too. Every […]

Student Requesting Extension Types Transcript of Recent Therapy Session In Email

April 21, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year political science major Jeffrey Trabor included the transcript of his recent therapy session in an email to his TA requesting an extension. […]

Oops, Grandma Ate A Plastic Egg And Now We’re Praying For A Second Resurrection

April 19, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

USC MEDICAL CENTER — Bringing a tragic end to a day of religious festivities, Grandma ate a plastic egg, and now we’re asking God in […]

Syllabus Says 95% Of Grade Determined By How Smart You Sound Introducing Self To Class

April 1, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

WESTWOOD — Most students in Professor McDugal’s course on negotiation were horrified to learn that 95% of their grade would be determined by how smart […]

Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini

March 14, 2022 Melissa Beining 0

LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]

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