As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy Solo cup and being posted up at a cozy 90° angle watching America’s finest hoot and holler about AI Peter Griffin. Which is why nothing hardened my disposition more than seeing some schmuck at the function taking MY rightful spot the other night.
Bloodcurdling thoughts ran through my head. What do you mean you’re “just a little nervous” and “don’t know anyone here?” Stop being so selfish and get off your phone! Think about the poor souls like me, who can’t exactly jump in when people talk about weird, esoteric phenomena like “Love Island” or “IPAs”. I don’t want to bounce around from cluster to cluster, hoping to find someone I can unload the entire Generation V Pokémon lore to. Nor do I want to ask what someone’s name, major, first pet, and street they grew up on to find some common ground. I’m practically developing arthritis from the idea of half-committing to a frat flick! I just want to stand in my little corner, collect some dust, and befriend a spider.
When this happened to me, I couldn’t help but glare and wander as I saw my corner being lit up with light from Candy Crush Saga and Clash of Clans. What a fool! I have better media to scroll, like Letterboxd and r/UCLA.
The next time this happens, I’ll douse the offender with my soda and call them a meanie. My corner is for me, and if you’re not a 5’2’’ racially ambiguous satire writer and part-time DJ, scram!