Reagan Medical Center To Offer Free Antidepressants To Happy Students In Hopes Of Trickle Down Effect

WESTWOOD — Ronald Reagan Medical Center will give antidepressants to happy students in hopes of wellness “trickling down” to their depressed counterparts. “Guided by the Reagan legacy, our first response to the mental health crisis was to ignore it for as long as possible,” said George Kush, a hospital administrator who admitted he had some trouble finding UCLA students content enough with their lives to qualify for the free drugs. “As I understand it, an invisible hand will now reach inside these kids’ heads and scoop up their surplus happiness, and then that happiness will be sort of sprinkled over all the depressed ones.” At press time, the ghost of Nancy Reagan was considering a plan to haunt participants as punishment for their prescription drug use.

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Melissa is proudly allergic to Nutella (will throw up).