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“Sperm Racing” Event to Take Place in Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

April 25, 2025 Zach Fischer 0

Breaking: He Is Fallen

April 21, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

VATICAN CITY — This Easter Sunday, after a long life of hard work fighting human rights violations, climate change, and church scandals, Pope Francis was […]

UCLA Requires Duo Mobile Authentication For Students To Learn If They Can Stay In Country

April 4, 2025 Olivia Maes 0

Uh Oh! New Police Sketch Artist Can Only Draw Realistic Eyes

April 3, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

LOS ANGELES — Disaster struck this morning as the LAPD discovered that their new sketch artist was only able to draw hyperrealistic eyes. “I started […]

Gayley Heights Burns Down After Roommates Make Really Long Chain Of Power Strips

March 28, 2025 Jared Reed 0

WESTWOOD — On Thursday, UCLA apartment building Gayley Heights went up in flames after a mischievous band of roommates assembled an unusually lengthy chain of […]

Julio Frenk Fires Self In Compliance With UCLA’s New Anti-Diversity Hiring Policies

March 21, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

WESTWOOD – This morning, Julio Frenk showed his dedication to following UCLA’s new anti-diversity hiring policies by firing himself. “When I was hired, there was […]

Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

March 20, 2025 Sam Rusk 0

UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues

March 12, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]

Top Five Goonable Robots

March 7, 2025 David Doutman 0

Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]

Opinion: If Your Class Has A Week 9 Midterm, I Should Be Allowed To Skip The Final

March 4, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

Merriam-Webster defines a midterm as an examination in the middle of an academic term. A UCLA quarter has 10 weeks. So what’s the deal with […]

Posts pagination

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  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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