WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare individuals of certain demographics as three-fifths of a person. “Forcing states to consider every citizen as a full person is some woke DEI nonsense that they should have never added to the Constitution. I don’t even know who benefited from that section, anyway,” said Justice Clarence Thomas, as his billionaire donors were cutting his ten-week-long Maldives trip down to six. “If anything, recognizing every citizen as a full person is discrimination against marginalized groups like centaurs and mermaids.” At press time, Thomas was seen ripping the 14th Amendment out of his “Constitution for Dummies” book and turning his eyes towards the 13th.