Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done
UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]
International
Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio
WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]
White Woman Wondering If It Too Soon To Remove Ukraine Link From Instagram Bio
WESTWOOD — Local white woman Becky Garret has decided that it might be time to remove the Ukraine link from her Instagram bio. “I’ve had […]
BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin
WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]
‘Just Kidding!’: Leading Climate Scientists Reveal Their Funny Little Prank
NEW YORK — The world’s leading climate scientists gathered Tuesday to announce the culmination of their prank, known formally as the “Climate Crisis.” “Honestly we […]
Crisis? We Haven’t Bombed The Middle East In A While
PENTAGON — The United States has not conducted large-scale drone strikes in a Middle Eastern country since 2021, prompting concerns that the nation’s military leaders […]
Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural
VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]
Activist Alert! Poli Sci Major Refuses To Drink Moscow Mules
WESTWOOD — Following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in February, UCLA’s students have found a method of protest which caters to the party scene. “Once I found […]
Toy Story 5 Trailer Depicts Andy’s Sex Toys Coming To Life
HOLLYWOOD — In a surprise announcement made Tuesday morning, Pixar revealed its plans for the production of Toy Story 5. “The concept is basically the […]
Weapons Of Mass Destruction Mourn Passing Of Colin Powell: “He Always Believed In Us, Even When No One Else Did”
CLOUD CUCKOO LAND — In a statement released this morning out of the realm of imagination, Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction mourned the death […]