Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium
MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]
International
Anthony Fauci Last Horcrux Needed To Destroy COVID-19
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases recently declared that their director, Anthony Fauci, is the last horcrux needed to kill […]
Tough Professor Considers 90% Efficacy of COVID Vaccine a B+
WESTWOOD — Dr. Andrew Krossco took a bold stance against grade inflation on Monday when he reiterated his rule that the vaccine effectiveness cutoff for […]
CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because […]
The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists
The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push […]
Facebook Post Of Crying Lady Liberty Prevents War With Iran
PORTLAND, OR — The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief on Tuesday when area mom Sharon Johnson posted a JPEG of the Statue of […]
Australian Fire Update
In lieu of impending ecological collapse, UCLA continues to closely monitor the New South Wales Bushfires in accordance with the Australian government. There are currently […]
Op-Ed: SexyBack By Justin Timberlake Just Metaphor For Cold War
Yo, the name’s Justin Timberlake and I’m the creative genius behind the 2006 hit “SexyBack.” I’ve been called “the most talented artist of our generation,” […]