Chick-fil-A CEO Converts To Islam
ATLANTA — Chick-fil-A’s CEO announced his conversion to Islam on Monday. “The American people need to eat more chicken, especially our new ‘Chick-fil-afel’,” said Chief […]
National
Breaking: Biden Cannot Simultaneously Pat Head, Rub Tummy
WILMINGTON, DE — During a major campaign event this week, presidential candidate Joe Biden failed to complete the simple task, requested by a five year […]
Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming
FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]
Rudy Giuliani Still Waiting On Text From Maria Bakalova
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After his encounter with actress Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, attorney Rudy Giuliani is still waiting for her to reach out […]
Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams
NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]
Senate Democrats Plan To Prevent Barrett Confirmation By Sternly Frowning
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer unveiled the Democrats’ strategy to prevent Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation by […]
Leaves Beginning To Change In California
LOS ANGELES — California residents are going out in droves to witness the changing of leaves from green to red to ash, enjoying the telltale […]
Trump Instructs Stimulus Package To Stand Back And Stand By
WASHINGTON — In a press conference on Tuesday, President Donald Trump instructed the proposed stimulus package– which would provide financial support to the nation in […]
Democrats Relieved Pence’s Natural Charisma Didn’t Affect Debate
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Democrats nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief Wednesday night after Vice President Pence’s infamous natural charm and charisma appeared […]
Bumblebee Excited For Next Presidential Debate
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Insiders confirmed that a retired worker bee with ties to the Biden campaign will make his debut on an old man’s hair […]