Global Prayers Rejected: New Pope Is American
HEAVEN — Millions of prayers coming in from around the world were denied yesterday evening as the Catholic Church appointed its first ever American pope. […]
National
Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?
Elon Musk, If you can find any room in your Grinch-sized heart, please do your job for once. If you are trying to make the […]
“Boiling Water Challenge” Raises Awareness For How To Kill Yourself
LOS ANGELES — On Sunday, the University of Southern California’s Annoying Lame Students club (ALS) launched the ‘Boiling Water Challenge,’ a viral trend which aims […]
Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback
Dear Bruin Community: At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]
UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes
BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]
Opinion: Shut The Fuck Up About Coachella
An open letter to everyone on Instagram who is about to go to Coachella this weekend: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I DO NOT CARE!!! I’m […]
Straight Basketball Players Unionize After Highest Gay Per Capita WNBA Draft
NEW YORK CITY — Straight WNBA players are more outnumbered than ever after the 2025 Draft, sparking the formation of the Straight Union of Ballers […]
Trend Watch: Withdrawing All Your Money From The Bank
WESTWOOD — In light of the recent economic chaos brought about by the Trump administration’s sweeping tariffs, many on social media have taken to a […]
Great Depression Preemptively Named “World Depression One”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – This morning, The White House announced via executive order the official renaming of The Great Depression to “World Depression One.” “It’s important […]