Here at the Westwood Enabler, the closest thing UCLA has to a bisexual awareness club, we’ve been plagued by the following question: does “bisexual” mean you fuck twice a week, or once every two weeks? As someone who’s been questioning their sexuality since the first Trump administration and has still reached no conclusions, I think I’m pretty qualified to take a stab at this one.
“Bisexual” comes from the Latin words “bis” and “sexualis.” I don’t have to be a classics major to know that interviewing those Pompeii corpses wouldn’t get us anywhere, though. Let’s look at similar words for help. “Homosexual” is linked to “only able to fuck at home,” “metrosexual” means “only fucking on public transit,” and “heteroflexible” would be that “your bones aren’t creaky enough to be straight.”
I’d assume that bisexuals fuck twice a week. They’ve got more fish in the sea to reel in, so chances are they’ll get their hands (and themselves) wet far more often than your average straightie. What could be more bisexual than hooking up with a baddie and saying “bye” so you can fuck another one? Maybe a pair of Doc Martens and thick eyeliner. Or a cigarette.
Our good friend capitalism tells us that being paid “biweekly” means “getting paid every two weeks.” At that rate, no one can afford a dinner date, so it makes sense for bisexuals to only fuck every two weeks. Who would want to drain their bank account on either useless lesbians or evil twinks? There’s only so many times a person can re-download Tinder, Hinge, Grindr, Raya, and ChristianMingle before throwing the phone at the wall.
Hopefully this answers your inquiry. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to smoke some weed and question my sexuality more. Feel free to join 😉
