Trend Watch: Scooping Vomit Out Of Acquaintance’s Mouth With Bare Hands
Do you take great joy in saying the phrase “here, drink some water” nine hundred and eighty-four times in one night? Do you enjoy it […]
Culture
Survey Finds Candy With Razors Actually Awesome
WESTWOOD — A recent survey conducted by people who aren’t “fucking pussies” has concluded that putting razors in candy is actually sick as hell. “I […]
De Neve Oyster Night Ends As Expected
WESTWOOD — Last Tuesday night, what was supposed to be a celebratory evening with unlimited raw bivalves at the least refined dining hall ended in […]
Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods
PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]
New Business Club Interview Process Includes Fitting Camel Through Eye of Needle
WESTWOOD – After a thorough LinkedIn assessment, seven coffee chats, and a “sell me this Bible” challenge, Bruin Business Corporation Consulting Organization LLC now asks […]
Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory
BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]
A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You
Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]
Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured
PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]
Opinion: The Fight Song Shouldn’t Have Words
In light of football season starting again, I needed to mentally prepare myself for another fall quarter of watching us crap the bed every single […]
