Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory within it. Yet, as I turned onto Bruinwalk, I was horrified at the scene in front of me. Sisters of Pi Beta Phi were busy getting pied in their annual “Pie a Pi Phi” event. Not two tables down, members of the Pilipinos in Engineering and Science club were being creamed by random passers-by. As I walked by, both Pi Phi and PIES were on their knees begging me to pie them. Tour groups were gawking. Parents were covering their childrens’ eyes. Disgusting.
As a veteran of decades of queer infighting about kink at pride, I was shocked that these flamboyant displays of fetish were allowed. I will say this here, and I will say this only once: DO NOT INVOLVE ME IN YOUR FETISHES. Kink does NOT belong on Bruinwalk. I refuse to participate in whatever sick, twisted humiliation kink you people have. Act like the rest of us, and just hire a clown to get pied in private.
I do not want to see this shit on my walk to class. I swear to God, if I have to see another group of sorority sisters awkwardly waiting for their crush from Sig Ep to walk by like they’re Jay Gatsby, I will personally eat every goddamn pie in Los Angeles to ensure this never happens again. If you want to have white, sticky cream dripping down your face, shot at you by a random member of the public, just get on Grindr. I know easily dozens of men who would be barking at the opportunity.
You do not need to do this in full view of your friends, professors, and classmates. I once saw a coworker getting creampied on Bruinwalk. It was like walking in on my parents doing it. Next time I walked into work, I had to pretend everything was normal. Like I hadn’t seen them using the paper-thin justification of “fundraising for childhood cancer research” to force the rest of us to help them get off. Truly sickening.
