Coming out to your family can be difficult. From telling your uncle you’re bicurious to letting your little sister know you’re transgender, you never quite know how even the wokest of family members will react. Your gay cousin? Turns out she’s gone off the deep end on Twitter, and now hates bisexuals. Your Trump-loving uncle? Apparently, he’s a huge Kim Petras fan, so he loves transgender people (but hates everyone else). That’s why this Pride month, The Westwood Enabler is going to help ensure your coming out goes as smoothly as it can with these four ways to come out to your family so they can’t possibly say no.
1. When you’re driving.
What better way to come out than when you’re actively controlling a two-ton metal brick hurtling down the highway at 80 or even 90 miles an hour? Your family will be so concerned with your rapid lane changes and scant use of the turn signal that your homosexuality will be the last thing on their mind. The nice thing about this option is that if they start to push back against your coming out, simply push down a bit more on the accelerator. Hard to force someone to be straight when they’re swerving around at 110 miles an hour!
2. Right after they announce bad news.
I like to call this one the one-two punch. Uh-oh, Gamgam has cancer? Cousin Tony is back in jail? Well, guess what? I’m gay! Do you see how abrupt and jarring that was? The goal here is to shock your family into acceptance. A bit more bad news won’t kill them. If the news is particularly bad, like a death or a divorce, coming out can even be seen as a comparatively good thing!
3. Fake a near-death experience.
This one is easier than it sounds. Simply find an x-ray image of broken ribs and stage a photo of you being hit by a car at Gayley and Landfair. Voilà! Your parents now desperately want their baby back home. Get some crutches, and come out the second they first see you on them. Their protective instincts will be overwhelming, and it is key to take maximum advantage of that. Also, be sure to wince every time they hug you, but bear it because “you really need their love.” The only downside to this method is that you will have to spend a few days at home and likely have some awkward conversations about your sexuality, but if it ever gets too bad, just act like they’re making the pain of the broken ribs even worse and really play up that you could’ve died. Hopefully that will get them on your side.
4. Subliminal messaging.
I put this one at the end because it takes far more work than the rest, but the results speak for themselves. For years, I played a looping message around the house, so quiet as to almost be inaudible, which would say “gay gay gay gay lesbian gay gay transgender gay gay gay gay nonbinary gay gay gay gay.” Eventually, this made my parents start watching MSNBC and drinking chai lattes, and they got super libbed up. By the time I came out to them, they were even woker than I was, and chastised me for pansexual erasure. Thankfully, we participated in a healing circle to get rid of any bad blood, so things are all well between us, and I’m gay as hell. If you follow any one of these tips, hopefully things will be the same for you!
