Joe Bruin Comes Out
WESTWOOD — In honor of Pride Month, Joe Bruin has come out as homosexual. “You like that, gays?” said a spokesperson for the mascot during […]
Articles by Jade Lacy
Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone
NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]
The Westwood Enabler’s Advice For Freshmen
It’s Bruin Day, and campus is filled with prospective students considering their future at UCLA. If you do decide to go blue and gold, here […]
Opinion: God, If You’re Real, Bring Powell Cat Back
Hey God, it’s me. I know we don’t talk much. Honestly, after I asked you to give me the strength to eat ten hot dogs […]
Opinion: I Can’t Believe It’s Already Week 9
Wow, can you believe it’s almost the end of the quarter? Time sure does fly! It feels like the first day of school was just […]
“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies
TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]
Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar Spotted On Nevada Border
BORDER TOWN, NEVADA — A rogue Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar, believed to be the sole survivor of the California flavored tobacco ban, was seen […]
Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year
HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, […]
Opinion: We Need A Bumble Where I Don’t Have To Message First
Bumble’s unique, women-first messaging system has made it the top dating app for progressive thinkers, bisexuals, and men who are willing to try pegging at […]
Loser Has No Addictions
WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was […]