Opinion: God, If You’re Real, Bring Powell Cat Back
Hey God, it’s me. I know we don’t talk much. Honestly, after I asked you to give me the strength to eat ten hot dogs […]
Articles by Jade Lacy
Opinion: I Can’t Believe It’s Already Week 9
Wow, can you believe it’s almost the end of the quarter? Time sure does fly! It feels like the first day of school was just […]
“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies
TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]
Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar Spotted On Nevada Border
BORDER TOWN, NEVADA — A rogue Strawberry Piña Colada Elf Bar, believed to be the sole survivor of the California flavored tobacco ban, was seen […]
Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year
HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, […]
Opinion: We Need A Bumble Where I Don’t Have To Message First
Bumble’s unique, women-first messaging system has made it the top dating app for progressive thinkers, bisexuals, and men who are willing to try pegging at […]
Loser Has No Addictions
WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was […]
Opinion: I Don’t Need A Halloween Costume If I’ve Never Truly Been Myself
I love October. Changing leaves on every tree, pumpkins on every stoop, and Trader Joe’s butternut squash mac and cheese in every student’s freezer. But […]
Opinion: The Westwood Enabler Will Never Be UCLAFits
WESTWOOD — Picture this: you’re a cool UCLA undergraduate, class of 2023. You’re bored. You open Instagram in search of entertainment. Do you go to […]
Report: Classmate Who Is “Bad With Names” Actually Despises You
WESTWOOD — Enabler reporters have confirmed that the classmate who still has not learned your name after four weeks harbors a deep and profound hatred […]