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Articles by Hanna Barlow

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About Hanna Barlow
Hanna Barlow is this many (she is holding up 21 fingers right now)

In Her Flop Era? This Woman Has No Bones

July 22, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Lifestyle content creator Emily Nariko announced on Instagram last week that, following the mysterious disappearance of all of her bones, she is […]

Local Woman Finally Decides To Settle Down And Adopt A Highway

June 20, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

THE 101 — In an inspiring story out of Los Angeles, 32-year-old feminist Simone Hedrick has made the brave decision to finally settle down and […]

Geezer Alert! This UCLA Student Just Said “Covel” Instead Of “Epicuria”

June 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD RETIREMENT HOME — Alleged UCLA student Trevor Child unintentionally revealed his true, prehistoric identity this week when he used the antiquated term “Covel” instead […]

UCLA Announces Masks Now Optional, Also Pants

April 11, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

BRUINWALK — UCLA has announced that, beginning April 11, students will no longer be required to wear masks — nor pants. “I’m so excited to […]

Doctors Hate Her! Local Woman Says “AWOOGA” Instead Of “Ahhh” At Every Checkup

February 22, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

LOS ANGELES — Just this week, several Los Angeles doctors came forward to detail their uncomfortable experiences with local woman Riley Coyote, who says “AWOOGA” […]

Westwood Celebrates Lunar New Year by Adding 24th New Boba Shop

February 5, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD — As a celebration of the Lunar New Year, the Westwood Neighborhood Council has approved the addition of a 24th new boba shop in […]

Gene Block Sees Shadow, 6 More Weeks Of Online School

February 3, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD— Yesterday morning, UCLA Chancellor Gene Block emerged out of his burrow and saw his own shadow, thus dooming UCLA students to six more weeks […]

“He’s Cuter In Person,” And Other Lies To Tell Your Friends About Him

February 1, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

Girly, we’ve all been there. You start talking to a new guy and you’re eager to gab with your girlfriends about this new potential mans […]

Frats Boycott COVID “Rapid” Tests, Claim 15 Minutes Is A Substantial Amount Of Time To Last

January 31, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

WESTWOOD— The John Wooden Center’s recent facilitation of rapid COVID-19 tests was met with heavy resistance this week, as several local fraternities protested the implication […]

Heartwarming! Virgins Across Nation Come Together Each Day To Guess Five Letter Word

January 21, 2022 Hanna Barlow 0

U.S.A. — Thanks to the latest online craze, Wordle, virgins from coast to coast are bonding over the exciting opportunity to guess a new five-letter […]

Posts pagination

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  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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