WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally came out as gay. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be dear to someone queer. The Dorothy to someone’s friend. The hag to someone’s— well, you know. But when a wicked drag witch cursed me to be repulsive to all natal homosexuals, I realized my only source of a gay best friend would be my own supposedly ‘straight’ child,” said McBeal, aggressively petting her dog, Toto, as she let out a puff of smoke from her imported British cigarette. “So, after months of arguments, experiments, bedazzlements, and a healthy dose of cross-sex hormones, my beautiful son has finally realized that she was a stone power bottom low femme cistrans Achillean lesbian all along! I would’ve liked an actual gay son more of course, but this is close enough.” Following our interview, Ms. McBeal failed her seventh f-slur license exam.