Student Who Took Baton To Skull Not Really Feeling Up For Musicology Midterm
WESTWOOD — After last week’s tumultuous events, fourth-year communications major Jim Boon just cannot seem to rally for his midterm on The Beatles. “I can’t […]
Articles by Milo Ellison
Gene Block’s Balls Chafe From Fence-Sitting
WESTWOOD — In a campus-wide press release, Gene Block, notoriously radical centrist, announced that his balls are chafing from his rampant fence-sitting. “While this unauthorized, […]
“People Take Notes On This?” Asks North Campus Student Who Only Uses iPad For Porn
WESTWOOD — As iPads become the note-taking tool of choice for STEM majors, humanities students are not so quick to jump on the bandwagon — […]
Surprise! Student Without Any Dreams Or Passion Goes Into Consulting
WESTWOOD — In a decision that has sent shockwaves across the nation, a student devoid of any personality or soul has decided to pursue consulting. […]
Opinion: On-Campus Residents Should Tip Their Landlord
A little birdie told me that people on campus aren’t fulfilling their duty of tipping Mr. GB. After getting a measly 25% raise to $625,000 […]
Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside
WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]
Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines
WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]
Touring High Schooler Looks Like A Better Fit For Berkeley
WESTWOOD — A high school student touring the UCLA campus looks like they would be a better fit for second-rate UC Berkeley. “Usually when I’m […]
BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin
WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]
Gene Block Opens New Filing Place For Student Petitions
WESTWOOD — Campus is at a complete standstill as news travels of the newest student-curated petition accomplishing nothing. “When will these dumb fuckin’ kids learn?” […]