From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]
Opinion: Midterm Exams This, Midterm Elections That, I Just Wanna Grill For Godsakes!
Every so often the two most mid (as the kids say) things alive, exams and elections, somehow line up in November. People start freaking out […]
Kamala Harris Addresses Kerckhoff Grilled Cheese Combo Inflation At UCLA Rally
WESTWOOD — In a widely anticipated move to amp up the youth vote, Vice President Kamala Harris took the stage at the Luskin Conference Center […]
Freshman Breaks Off Long Distance Relationship With Mom
WESTWOOD— Freshman Joe Maman made the tricky decision Monday morning to break things off with his long-distance mother. “She wants to call me every day […]
Help! It’s My Second Rodeo But I Still Don’t Know What To Do
LIBERTY, TX— Onlookers at the Rip Roarin’ Rodeo were shocked Wednesday when prospective cowboy and local idiot Bucks McGee erred despite having previously attended a […]
BREAKING: Daily Bruin Member Cracks Joke
WESTWOOD — Did you feel an earthquake last night? That was the world shifting as Garrett Smurp became the first Daily Bruin member in the […]
REPORT: English Major Still Can’t Spell Kerckhoff
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year English major Lauren Ipsum shocked friends and classmates Tuesday when she spelled the campus landmark as “Kirkhoff,” “Kerkoff,” and “Kirckoff” within a […]
An Apple A Day Defends You From Your Doctor
TRANSYLVANIA — Recent studies have revealed that doctors are repelled by apples—a fact that the doctor hunters of Transylvania have known for years. “Apples have […]
UCLA Unveils New “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” Meal Plan
WESTWOOD — UCLA Dining announced its new “Just Eat The Fucking Soil” meal plan Thursday, which permits students to consume the dirt on campus. “If […]
Report: Local Sleepyhead Takes Another Little Nap
MASTER BEDROOM – Reports have shown that local sleepyhead E. C. Scrooge is yet again snoozing, dozing, and drifting off to sleep. “Hnnknnkkkkkk… mi mi […]