From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia

WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your plans of blocking him on Instagram (but not on Snapchat in case you feel really desperate at some point) are hindered by this recent development. “I was hoping she would catch feelings instead of chlamydia,” said Dong, who insistently referred to you as “princess” during the interview. “When I got the test results back, I was really happy to have a reason to contact her again.” At press time, Dong was seen galloping down the stairs of Ashe Center, reading the Daily Bruin on his way to doing other icky things.