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Articles by Elena Whitlock

Move Over Fjallraven! This Season’s Hottest Accessory Is A Handkerchief Tied To A Stick

May 15, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

PARIS, FRANCE — Paris’ top trend-watchers have announced that everyone’s favorite Swedish backpack is OUT, and a red handkerchief tied to a long crooked branch […]

Student Treats Self To A Few Days Of Rotting In Bed

March 1, 2023 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

A WINDOWLESS BEDROOM — Area student Molly Lee was seen this morning treating themself to a days-long stint of rotting in bed. Due to their recent […]

BREAKING: Y/N Sold To Harry Styles

December 21, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WATTPAD — Y/N was recently sold to Harry Styles to pay for your mother’s drug debt. “I was throwing my long brown hair in a […]

Report: Local Sleepyhead Takes Another Little Nap

November 2, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

MASTER BEDROOM – Reports have shown that local sleepyhead E. C. Scrooge is yet again snoozing, dozing, and drifting off to sleep. “Hnnknnkkkkkk… mi mi […]

Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage

September 27, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]

“He Doesn’t Bite,” Says Man About Dog Who Stabs People

May 20, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

CORNER BY CHICK-FIL-A — Area man Brad Perez confirmed this week that while his dog Brutus does not bite people, he does stab them. “Of […]

New Season Of “How It’s Made” Features Episode On Babies

April 30, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

MONTREAL — Producers behind the television show “How It’s Made” recently announced that the upcoming season will feature an episode about babies. “The process begins […]

Six Self Love Exercises That Even Your Dumb Little Brain Could Do

March 7, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

With the most stressful weeks of the quarter beginning, it’s important you’re prepared for the onslaught of hate, both from within and without. Here are […]

5 Organs To Steal From Your Significant Other Other Than Their Heart

February 15, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

Strapped for cash for the best Valentine’s Day gift? Already donated all the blood you can to the blood and platelet center? Not to fret– […]

Student Using Zoom Raise Hand Function “Just Stretching”

January 27, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

LOS ANGELES — Second-year Communications major Aiden Malone clarified today that his use of the “raise hand” function on zoom was just his stretching. “If […]

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