Gone But Not Forgotten… Wait Nevermind, Who Is This?
WESTWOOD — The whole campus came together today to mourn the recent passing of… well, we are not quite clear on that. “It’s hard to […]
Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement
CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal […]
Gen Z Ultrasound Assistant Groans Every Time Baby Going To Be A Gemini
LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t […]
Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit
WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard […]
Pope Francis Says Homosexuality OK, Lactaid Unnatural
VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. […]
Welcoming Our New Vice Chancellor Of Buttfuck Nothing
Dear Bruin Community: It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice […]
HBO Releases New Euphoria Inspired Drugs
NEW YORK, NY— Following the massive success of the second season of “Euphoria,” A24 announced the release of a new line of drugs inspired by […]
Christopher Nolan Nukes UCLA For 5-Second “Oppenheimer” Shot
WESTWOOD — In what has now become a mass-casualty event, Christopher Nolan has nuked the UCLA campus for a 5-second B-reel scene in his new […]
Six Self Love Exercises That Even Your Dumb Little Brain Could Do
With the most stressful weeks of the quarter beginning, it’s important you’re prepared for the onslaught of hate, both from within and without. Here are […]
“Intersectionality,” And Other Buzzwords You Can Use To Justify Buying From Amazon
We all know how it goes. You run out of masks or printer ink or clean underwear, and you need more ASAP. There’s only one […]