Suave Announces 5-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Lube, And Meal Replacement

CHICAGO — Responding to investor pressures to expand its customer base, Suave announced Thursday a new 5-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, body wash, personal lubricant, and meal replacement shake. “Are you not entertained?” asked Suave CEO Jeff Conrad in the shareholder meeting, moments before grabbing a bottle of Suave 5-in-1, taking a huge swig, squirting the remainder all over his hair and body, and then jumping into a dry Slip ’N Slide. “Ow, Jesus—I was supposed to slide,” added a motionless Conrad. At press time, Conrad was in the hospital getting his stomach pumped and head shaved.

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Brandon Wang lives in Westwood with his adopted son Macaulay Culkin. His hobbies include enabling.