LOS ANGELES — Twenty-three year old perinatal assistant Jessica Fieldman groans every time an ultrasound predicts the baby will be a Gemini. “I just can’t help it when I know those little splotches are going to become two-faced, judgmental, indecisive bitches,” said Jessica, whose most recent TikTok featured her meditating to an auto-tuned remix of the sounds of a patient giving birth. “I did the math and, I mean, who even has sex in September? There’s going to be something wrong with you if you’re raised by people who get horny about the leaves changing and the sun disappearing for months.” At press time, Jessica had been placed on leave for matchmaking the babies in the viewing room according to their alignments.
About Melissa Beining 22 Articles
Melissa is proudly allergic to Nutella (will throw up).