Dear Bruin Community:
It is with pleasure that I inform you that Hankk Smiggly will be joining the UCLA team as our new Executive Vice Chancellor of Buttfuck Nothing.
Hankk enters the Bruin world following a 15 year stint at Zilch University, where he was a standout administrator who oversaw bugger-all, guiding Zilch’s policy-making and doing God knows what. Under Hankk, Zilch became known for nil and ranks in the top ten for its Zip Department.
As Vice Chancellor, Hankk will be dually responsible for overseeing the day-to-day operations of the Nada and Bupkis Committees. Hankk is an outstanding addition to the UCLA administrative team, and we look forward to working with him as we continue to do neither hide nor hair while collecting our $450k annual salaries.
Gene D. Block
Chancellor of Diddly-Squat