Campus Squirrels Form Paramilitary Unit

WESTWOOD — After years of pizza, quesadilla, and donut thievery, UCLA’s campus squirrels have militarized in order to obtain junk food more easily. “Ever heard of ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks?’ Yeah, we’re like that, except we don’t sing and we have fucking AR-15s,” said Nutpoleon Squirrelemagne, leader of the NRA (Nut-Rifle Association). “Bet you thought it was ‘cute’ when we ran around campus with food in our cheeks. Now, look in my mouth and you’ll see nothin’ but grenades. It ain’t cute anymore.” At press time, Squirrelemagne’s thugs were facing allegations of Geneva Convention violations.

If you see a squirrel in possession of military-grade weaponry, call 1-310-825-4321 to report a sighting and surrender your snacks.

About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.