Wait, Did Area Man Just Ask Me Out?
WESTWOOD — Sources are unsure whether area man Eric, just asked me out. We’ve had dinner together multiple times so I didn’t think it was […]
News in Briefs
Class Clown Hides In Sewers To Tell Jokes
WESTWOOD — UCLA second year and Pennywise wannabe, George Rogers, was found this morning coated in feces, peering through a sewer telling popsicle-stick jokes to […]
Local Nihilist Watches “Rick and Morty”
LOS ANGELES — Citing its sophisticated and nuanced references to Narodnaya literature, local nihilist Evan Sharp is a regular viewer of the Adult Swim cartoon […]
Frustrated Driver In Parking Lot Wishes He Was Handicapped
WESTWOOD — Local driver Mike Thompson found himself wishing he was handicapped when he couldn’t find a space in the Saxon suites parking lot yesterday. […]
CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020
WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]
Trump Accidentally Fires Self 200 Days In
WASHINTON, DC — Donald Trump, current President of the United States, accidentally fired himself on Monday, 200 days into his term, sources say. “In the […]
Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba
LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]
Western Wall Grabbed By the Crevice
JERUSALEM — On May 22, one of the holiest sites of the Abrahamic religions was allegedly accosted by a visiting tourist with incredibly small hands. […]
Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle
WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing […]
Local Fraternity Member Finally Grunts Louder Than Club Athlete At Wooden
WESTWOOD–After months of training, UCLA fraternity member Kyle Lewis finally succeeded in grunting louder than that guy on the club baseball team while lifting. “That […]