CDC: Fully Vaccinated People Can Smoke Cigarettes They Find On Ground
ATLANTA — On Wednesday evening, the Centers for Disease Control announced a change in their guidelines for fully vaccinated Americans, allowing them to take one […]
News in Briefs
Point: I Miss The Outdoors / Counterpoint: You Can Still Go Outdoors.
P: I Miss The Outdoors. By: Gregory Schneebles This pandemic has been terrible. I dream of the day when I can once again go outside […]
Area Man’s Art Still Sucks Despite Depression Diagnosis
PORTLAND, OR — After several unlucky years spent developing his craft, things were finally starting to look up for local painter Chuck Picasso (no relation) […]
Only Time Student Pays Attention to Tell Professor Mic Not Working
WESTWOOD — Second-year biology major Jennifer McGonnifer unmuted herself during a Zoom lecture on Wednesday to tell the professor his audio was not working, although […]
Area Man Worried Quarantine Will End Before Beard Grows In
SAN FRANCISCO — As COVID vaccination distribution and reopening plans continue across the state, local semi-rugged man Hunter Short has been increasingly anxious that his […]
UCLA Campus Available To Sublet Spring Quarter, Utilities Included
WESTWOOD — At 3 a.m. PST Monday morning, the UCLA Board of Directors released a statement on the “UCLA Free And For Sale” Facebook page […]
Democrats Negotiate Stimulus Checks Down To $10 Starbucks Gift Card
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks […]
Area Man Receives Prostate Exam Through Telehealth Appointment
LOS ANGELES – After turning forty-five years old during the latest Coronavirus lockdown, area man Matt McTubbins decided to receive a prostate exam from his […]
Acclaimed Professor Struggles to Screen Share
WESTWOOD – UCLA Professor Barclay Hughes, renowned expert in 12th century steelwork and author of numerous foundational papers in the field, appeared almost childlike in […]
Donald Trump Permanently Banned From Pornhub Premium
MONTREAL – More than two weeks after the removal of former President Donald Trump’s accounts from several social media and streaming platforms, Pornhub has announced […]