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News in Briefs

Starship Vows To Be More Assertive This Year

January 24, 2023 Meghan Mason 0

WESTWOOD — Starship Number 38, known around the charging stations as Bernard, resolves to be more assertive as he rolls through the UCLA campus in […]

Loser Plays As Mario In MarioKart

January 23, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

MUSHROOM KINGDOM— Area dude Brad McIntyre bored gamers everywhere Tuesday when he chose Mario as his racing character in the hit Nintendo game MarioKart. “I […]

What a Deal! This Student Just Got a Free Virus With Her Pirated Textbook

January 21, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Third-year Computer Science major Nerdiea Lert was delighted this Thursday to find a complementary virus attached to her free Calculus I textbook that […]

Fire Alarm Forces Boelter Residents To Encounter Sunlight

January 18, 2023 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — Herds of STEM students, also known by their Latin name nerdicus uclai, were found in direct sunlight today after a fire in Boelter […]

“Say It Ain’t Saur:” Weezer Embarks On Australian Tour

January 18, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

SYDNEY — The American rock band Weezer has just announced their upcoming tour, titled “Say It Ain’t Saur: Australiaur 2023.” “We’ve translated all of our […]

Local Hero At Kerckhoff Watching Everyone’s Stuff

January 18, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

WESTWOOD — Second-year economics major Joshua Wadams has been hailed as a local hero following his efforts to simultaneously look after the personal belongings of […]

Prince Harry Apologizes For Accidentally Publishing Dream Diary

January 13, 2023 Dana Badii 0

SANTA BARBARA — Prince Harry held a press conference outside of his estate this morning to clarify his remarks in his new memoir, “Spare.” “I […]

Wuss Uses Umbrella In Thunderstorm

January 10, 2023 Anya Bergstrom 0

WESTWOOD — Bearing resemblance to a spoon-fed toddler, local wuss Jimmy Wetblanket was spotted using an umbrella on campus following thunderstorm warnings. “I don’t understand […]

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

Student Enters Long-Distance Relationship with Hedrick Summit Resident

January 5, 2023 Ava Abrishamchian 0

WESTWOOD — After long deliberation, first-year Dykstra resident Elizabeth Lowes has decided to follow her heart and pursue a long-distance relationship with Hedrick Summit resident […]

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