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News in Briefs

Report! Stonehenge Only Epic Thing White People Have Ever Done

May 26, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

UNITED KINGDOM — A new report out of Exeter University claims to have proven that Stonehenge is the only epic thing to ever be done […]

Dog In Hiding After Owner Plays “Dog Days Are Over”

May 25, 2022 Billie Chang 0

WESTWOOD — Late Monday morning, 10-year-old French bulldog Missy was found by park-goers hiding in a makeshift bunker after her owner played Florence and the […]

Main Character Energy? This Girl In Your Class Refuses to Shut Up

May 19, 2022 Billie Chang 0

SCAND 50 — On Tuesday, excited freshman Lola Laurens readily responded to every statement made by her professor. “Mother and Father say I have to […]

Tom Holland To Play Timothée Chalamet In Upcoming Biopic

May 14, 2022 Harry Song 0

HOLLYWOOD — Marvel star Tom Holland has been confirmed to play Timothée Chalamet in the highly anticipated biopic, an announcement which follows the recent casting […]

Archaeologists Discover First Woman To Ever Put “Future Milf” In Her Tinder Bio

May 12, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA archaeologists announced Monday that, after years of digging, they have uncovered the first woman to ever write “future milf” […]

Powell Cat Denies BBL Allegations

May 11, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD— Campus celebrity Powell Cat has been looking especially juicy lately, and fans allege that he has had a Brazilian Butt Lift. “It’s disappointing to […]

Generational Trauma? Mom Looks Kind Of Sad

May 9, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

HOME — Your mother was seen looking sad on Monday evening, leading family members to believe she was suffering from the impact of generational trauma. […]

BREAKING: There Are Bugs Under Your Skin

May 5, 2022 Milo Ellison 0

WESTWOOD — The voices were right, there are bugs under your skin. “The colony of ants under your epidermis has been ignored for far too […]

Lewis And Clark Vibes? Your Comedy Club Completed A Half-Mile Hike

May 2, 2022 Bella Dunham 0

FRAZIER PARK, CA — Despite the rough terrain and inappropriate footwear, your comedy club completed a half-mile hike Saturday afternoon. “Like Lewis and Clark, we […]

Biden: Build Back Better Westwood Chipotle

April 27, 2022 Arman 0

WESTWOOD— With the collapse of Biden’s Build Back Better congressional agenda, the President has sought to deliver on his campaign platform through a proposal sure […]

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