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Articles by Jasmine Don

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About Jasmine Don
Jasmine is best known for her work eating the bones and skin off of the boneless skinless chicken breasts at the super market. She's also the one who paints tropical frogs bright colors so we know which ones are poisonous.

Last Chunk Of Pet Hamster Still Stuck In Roomba

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES — The last remaining chunk of Muffin, a local dwarf hamster, is still stuck in a Roomba belonging to area woman Janine Ordonez. […]

Study: Fetuses’ Chakras Visible On Ultrasound At 10 Weeks

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

BALTIMORE — A recent Johns Hopkins University study concluded that prenatal ultrasounds can detect fetuses’ chakras as early as ten weeks into pregnancy. “Our findings […]

Graduating Senior Unknowingly Makes Last New Friend Ever

June 10, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD—Graduating senior Danielle Rojas unknowingly made her last new friend ever when she befriended fellow student Allison Yang last Thursday. “She’s pretty chill, I guess,” […]

Study: 87% Of LA Middle Schoolers Currently In Ackerman A-Level

May 20, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD — Nearly 87% of children attending middle school in L.A. are currently standing around in Ackerman A-Level, according to a recent study conducted by […]

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Area Man Can’t Tell If Pain “Burning” Or “Stabbing”

May 1, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—This Tuesday, area man Oliver Howard reportedly had trouble determining if the pain in his lower abdomen was more of a “burning” or “stabbing” […]

Report: Xanax Makes m y hannds FEel incrwdible

April 13, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOOSD—A recent report confirmed that taking one dose of Xanax can mAke my entnire hands nd t he Fingerss too feel reallly good. “Hoooo it;s […]

Tearful Jeff Sessions Puts Cheburashka Doll In Storage

March 2, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

WASHINGTON—Attorney General Jeff Sessions burst into tears today while hiding his Cheburashka plush doll in the bottom of a plastic storage container, anonymous White House […]

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Big Win For Mouthfeel! This Merlot Is Tannic And Velvety

February 12, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

Good news, mouthfeel lovers! The Edna Valley 2013 Merlot is tannic and velvety. Its deep, chewy tannins and smooth, opulent body make for a wonderfully […]

Body Positivity! This 8th Grader Drew Boobs On His Chem Textbook

February 12, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

Despite major strides made by #FreeTheNipple and other gender equality campaigns, the female body is still constantly viewed as a sexual object. Though male and […]

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Area Woman Takes Break From Work Anxiety To Enjoy Social Anxiety

November 13, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—Local woman Gina Adler attended a party this past weekend to take a break from her usual work-related anxiety and spend more time on […]

Posts pagination

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  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site

    Dear Julio Frenk, UCLA has been under a lot of controversy lately. The encampments and the mob attack on them, the cops everywhere, deportations, budget […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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