Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection
God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science, unless, of course, that science […]
Articles by John Palmer
God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus
HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]
CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]
Op-Ed: I May Be Best Buy Employee of the Month, But I’m Far From Perfect
I am no superhuman, I am no deity, I am simply Best Buy’s “Employee of the Month.” You may be thinking, “He has it all. […]
Woman Who Forgot to Shave for Two Weeks Unintentionally Becomes Feminist Icon
WESTWOOD — Area woman Christine Bigley, who forgot to shave for the past two weeks, unintentionally became a feminist icon and body hair pioneer amongst […]
BruinWear Summer Collection to Include Assless Chaps
WESTWOOD — In response to large demand, UCLA’s BruinWear will be including a pair of UCLA themed assless chaps in their summer collection. “They sell […]
Discovery of “Upload” Button on Soundcloud Transforms Talentless Boy into Professional DJ
LOS ANGELES — In an incredible transformation, the discovery of the upload button on Soundcloud has transformed a talentless Caucasian teenage boy into a professional […]
Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle
WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing […]
Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom
WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]
Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time
WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]