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Articles by John Palmer

Op-Ed: It’s Only Okay to Use Science to Alter God’s Plan If It Involves a Pill That Gives Me an Erection

February 11, 2018 John Palmer 0

God has made a plan for all of us. We should not attempt to alter that plan with so-called science, unless, of course, that science […]

God’s Divine Plan Involves Pre-Marital Sex with Dylan from Calculus

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

HEAVEN — God’s divine plan for high school junior Emma Parsons involved a spiritual awakening in the form of pre-marital sex with Dylan from calculus. […]

CAPS Going to Need You to Postpone Mental Breakdown Until Two Months from Now

February 11, 2018 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced in an official press release that it is going to need all students to postpone their […]

Op-Ed: I May Be Best Buy Employee of the Month, But I’m Far From Perfect

January 30, 2018 Tim Connelly 0

I am no superhuman, I am no deity, I am simply Best Buy’s “Employee of the Month.” You may be thinking, “He has it all. […]

Woman Who Forgot to Shave for Two Weeks Unintentionally Becomes Feminist Icon

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — Area woman Christine Bigley, who forgot to shave for the past two weeks, unintentionally became a feminist icon and body hair pioneer amongst […]

BruinWear Summer Collection to Include Assless Chaps

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD — In response to large demand, UCLA’s BruinWear will be including a pair of UCLA themed assless chaps in their summer collection. “They sell […]

Discovery of “Upload” Button on Soundcloud Transforms Talentless Boy into Professional DJ

October 29, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

LOS ANGELES — In an incredible transformation, the discovery of the upload button on Soundcloud has transformed a talentless Caucasian teenage boy into a professional […]

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Children Playing House Engage In Horrific Custody Battle

May 22, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–The playground at Westwood Elementary became the center of tense conflict as second-grader Jenny Katz, playing the role of “Mommy,” and third-grader Ben Quon, playing […]

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Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom

May 2, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]

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Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time

May 1, 2017 Erica Griggs 0

WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]

Posts pagination

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  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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