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Articles by Matt Moldenhauer

Report: Velma Lost Her Glasses In Rocco’s

June 14, 2019 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — UCPD has reported that Velma Dinkley, a member of the crime solving group Mystery Inc., filed a police report claiming that she lost […]

BREAKING: Westwood Enabler Writers Are Going On Strike

April 10, 2019 The Westwood Enabler Editorial Board 0

To the Associated Students UCLA Communications Board, Jacob Preal, Abigail Goldman, Doria Deen and the readers of the Westwood Enabler, We, the undersigned, are writing […]

UCLA Student Not Photographer But Does Have iPhone With Portrait Mode

November 26, 2018 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — Recent reports from the “UCLA Free & For Sale” Facebook page have indicated that third-year student Liz Samuels did not consider herself a photographer […]

Op-Ed: I Took Ambien And Woke Up At a KKK Rally

June 5, 2018 Linda Johnson 0

As a god-fearing woman, I have never participated in the dangerous activity of binge drinking. My friends would always tell me how much they forgot […]

Plane Crashes After Man Forgets To Enable Airplane Mode

March 26, 2018 Matt Moldenhauer 0

NEW YORK — The Federal Aviation Administration released a press statement this morning, divulging that the Boeing 747 that crashed shortly after departing JFK International Airport […]

Louis C.K. Gay Now

November 9, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

NEW YORK — In light of recent allegations of sexual harassing multiple women, comedian Louis C.K. has announced he is actually gay via a press […]

Wow! Here’s All The UC Campuses But We Didn’t Rank Them Or Anything

November 2, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

1. The first UC campus that came to mind, but not because we think it’s the better than the others or anything, is UC Irvine. […]

CEC Pledges To Figure Out How To Properly Distribute Tickets By 2020

September 13, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD — In a statement released by the UCLA Campus Events Commission (CEC), the office’s Commissioner recognized the failure of the organization to properly distribute […]

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Study: Sunburn Suggests White Privilege Doesn’t Exist

June 10, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

TUSCALOOSA—Researchers at the University of Alabama have concluded, after extensive research on sunburn, that white privilege currently doesn’t exist and most likely has never existed […]

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Point: It’s Cute How We Keep Making Eye Contact! / Counterpoint: Stop Looking At Me, You Fucking Creep

May 20, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

Point: It’s Cute How We Keep Making Eye Contact! By: Ashley Davis Hey! I definitely keep noticing you looking over here in lecture, you’re not […]

Posts pagination

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  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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