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Articles by Ross Rosenthal

Supreme Court Now Looks More Like Sex Offender Registry

October 6, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WASHINGTON, DC — With the confirmation of former District of Columbia Appeals Judge Brett Kavanaugh today, pundits agree that the United States Supreme Court now […]

Student With Den Pass Realizes They’re In For Long Year

September 8, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — Area student and Den Pass holder Kayla Parklamindi realized she was in for a long year today when the UCLA football team embarrassingly […]

Bruin Republicans Hold Emergency Summer Meeting

August 22, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — On Tuesday afternoon, Bruin Republicans President John Lawrence called an emergency meeting after Michael Cohen implicated President Trump in illegal cover-up payments and […]

BREAKING: Male RA Straight

May 21, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — Sources indicate that male RA Michael Uchida has demolished societal norms by not being gay. “This is a landmark moment for all male RAs […]

Area Douche Thinks Multi-Factor Authentication “Not That Bad, Man”

May 20, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — It has come out that area douche Michael Marks thinks that UCLA’s new multi-factor authentication is “not that bad, man”. “All you have to […]

Former UCLA Econ Major Forced To Settle For Entry-Level Job With Poor Health Benefits

April 27, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

PHOENIX, AZ — The Enabler recently did a profile on former UCLA economics student Joshua Rosen, who had decided to drop out of UCLA. Unfortunately, […]

BREAKING: Freshman’s Virginity Still Going Strong

April 12, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — It’s spring quarter, and somehow, local freshman James Rosenberg’s virginity is still intact. “I knew it was going to take some time, but […]

Fuck! Cambridge Analytica Knows I Don’t Have A Life

April 10, 2018 Suburban Mom 0

WESTWOOD — Fuck! I just heard on Facebook that Cambridge Analytica has all my information now! What will I do? Oh shit. Do they know that […]

Minotaur Found Deep Within Recesses Of MathSci-Boelter

February 11, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

MOUNT WESTWOOD — Alas, my friends, that day the quest was dark, For on such a mission I embark, I had seen Scylla and Charybdis, […]

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Point: Mental Health Is So Important, Guys! / Counterpoint: I Wish That Depressed Loser With No Friends Would Fuck Off

February 4, 2018 Your RA 0

Point: Mental Health Is So Important, Guys! By: Your RA Guys! Don’t you know mental health is so important? This campus is a safe space […]

Posts pagination

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  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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