“No More Mr. Nice Guy!” Says Man Who Never Respected You To Begin With
WESTWOOD — The planet as we know it was shaken to its core today when local Mr. Nice Guy Neil Belmont officially renounced his title. […]
Sloppy Drunk Joe Biden Spotted At Fat Sal’s
WESTWOOD— Joe Biden was spotted just after 1 a.m. Saturday morning at the Westwood Fat Sal’s, having wined and dined the day away with the […]
UCLA To Offer Work Study Position As Impish Goon
WESTWOODE — Blessed is the night! Lord Imperator and Pretender to the Throne of Earle, Gene Lord Block, has announced a tourney for the title […]
Opinion: Bring Back Plastic Straws Because I Hate Turtles And Want To Kill Them
Ever since California introduced paper straws in 2019, I have been unable to harm turtle populations at my previous capacity. Back when plastic straws were […]
Opinion: The Anderson School Of Management Should Be Burned Down
WESTWOOD — Last week, I got lost in the Anderson School of Management. It wasn’t my fault! Each building is numbered. And lettered. And it […]
REPORT: All The People Alive Are Out There Right Now
WASHINGTON, DC — According to a new report from the CIA, everyone currently alive has been confirmed to be out there right now, right this […]
Couple Goals! Guy On Electric Skateboard And Girl Walking Next To Him
WESTWOOD — The Daily Bruin’s Council of Romantic Research and Love Studies released their conclusion Sunday that this fall’s most coveted relationship is that of […]
UCLA To Offer Off Campus Meal Plan For Those “Willing To Pay The Price”
WESTWOOD — Late, late last night, Frank Ghoulish, UCLA Viceroy of Meals and Eating, announced that the 2022-23 school year would see the return of […]