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Articles by Lucas Humel

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About Lucas Humel
Lucas Humel is a middle aged divorcé with no known affiliation to the university. We are unaware of how he was able to get in contact with Enabler staff, and he refuses to tell us. He brings a steaming hot apple pie with an old fashioned wedge of cheddar on the side to every meeting and eats all of it before leaving in silence.

Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem

January 9, 2023 Lucas Humel 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]

Undercover With The UCPD Scooter Squad

December 12, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — In the UCPD campus safety system, scooter-based offenses are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious misdemeanors are members of […]

Trend Watch! These Fuckin’ Things

December 8, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

Fidget Spinners. Kendamas. Fushigi Magic Gravity Balls. These are just a few of the endless gadgets and doodads that have captivated the minds and hearts […]

Trend Watch! The Case To Bring Back Lead Poisoning

December 1, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t […]

Punching Down: Short King Victims Speak Out

October 24, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — The tempers of Short Kings everywhere are at an all time medium today, as recent instances of vertically-motivated violence have given a much […]

UCLA To Offer Work Study Position As Impish Goon

October 15, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOODE — Blessed is the night! Lord Imperator and Pretender to the Throne of Earle, Gene Lord Block, has announced a tourney for the title […]

UCLA To Offer Off Campus Meal Plan For Those “Willing To Pay The Price”

October 6, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — Late, late last night, Frank Ghoulish, UCLA Viceroy of Meals and Eating, announced that the 2022-23 school year would see the return of […]

Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email

May 16, 2022 Lucas Humel 0

WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]

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