Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem
WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]
Articles by Lucas Humel
Undercover With The UCPD Scooter Squad
WESTWOOD — In the UCPD campus safety system, scooter-based offenses are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious misdemeanors are members of […]
Trend Watch! These Fuckin’ Things
Fidget Spinners. Kendamas. Fushigi Magic Gravity Balls. These are just a few of the endless gadgets and doodads that have captivated the minds and hearts […]
Trend Watch! The Case To Bring Back Lead Poisoning
From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t […]
Punching Down: Short King Victims Speak Out
WESTWOOD — The tempers of Short Kings everywhere are at an all time medium today, as recent instances of vertically-motivated violence have given a much […]
UCLA To Offer Work Study Position As Impish Goon
WESTWOODE — Blessed is the night! Lord Imperator and Pretender to the Throne of Earle, Gene Lord Block, has announced a tourney for the title […]
UCLA To Offer Off Campus Meal Plan For Those “Willing To Pay The Price”
WESTWOOD — Late, late last night, Frank Ghoulish, UCLA Viceroy of Meals and Eating, announced that the 2022-23 school year would see the return of […]
Student Offered $1 Million Grant After Sending Professor The Perfect Email
WESTWOOD — Sophomore biology student, Cindy Sheraton, is celebrating the opportunity of a lifetime after receiving the William F. Buckley Memorial Prize for an exceptional […]