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Opinion: The Roebling Block Party Is Needlessly Destructive. Also, I Wasn’t Invited.

October 6, 2022 The Daily Bruin 0

WESTWOOD — Students set private property ablaze Thursday night at the quarterly Roebling block party, disturbing the peace for Westwood residents trying to get ahead […]

UCLA Celebrates Yom Kippur With Traditional Bacon Buffet

October 4, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — The most solemn holiday of the Jewish year began at sundown on Tuesday, and UCLA knows just how to celebrate! “A lot of […]

Students Near Molecular Sciences Building Develop Superpowers

September 30, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD— Following reports yesterday of an environmental hazard at the Molecular Sciences Building, students exposed at the scene have developed superpowers. “Next time I take […]

Molecular Sciences Building Explodes With Cure For Ligma Inside

September 29, 2022 Enabler Staff 0

WESTWOOD — In a red-hot BruinAlert sent out Thursday afternoon, UCLA announced that the Molecular Sciences Building has exploded, and with it, the cure for […]

Punk’s Not Dead! Your 13-Year-Old Cousin Just Called You A Bitch

September 29, 2022 Maya Chatrathi 0

BEL-AIR — Your 13-year old cousin proved definitively that the spirit of punk is alive and well in the younger generation last Friday, when she […]

Ancestry.com Reveals Only Virgin In Family Lineage

September 27, 2022 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

WESTWOOD — Your Ancestry.com results revealed Tuesday that you are the only virgin in your family lineage. “Every single one of your direct ancestors were […]

Report: Guy In Your Discussion Section Just Misused “Machiavellian”

September 23, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WESTWOOD — An anonymous source revealed late Friday afternoon that a guy in your discussion section just confidently described something as “Machiavellian,” when it was, […]

Move Over UCLA Mom Shirt! Here Are 6 New Shirts For The Special People In Your Life Who Helped You Get To Where You Are Today!

September 22, 2022 Billie Chang 0

Spineless Pushover Follows Traffic Guidelines

September 21, 2022 Enabler Staff 0

WESTWOOD — A shallow excuse for a man was seen blindly following traffic guidelines Wednesday in the greater Westwood area. “I just don’t want to […]

Enormous Activities Fair Threatened By Prospect Of Humongous Activities Fair

September 20, 2022 Kathryn Steenburgh 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA students and organizations alike were alarmed to learn Tuesday of a number of fliers found around campus advertising a “Humongous Activities Fair.” […]

Posts pagination

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  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

  • Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”

    FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]

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Georgia McNeill
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