Students Near Molecular Sciences Building Develop Superpowers

WESTWOOD— Following reports yesterday of an environmental hazard at the Molecular Sciences Building, students exposed at the scene have developed superpowers. “Next time I take a test, I’ll be able to just hear the thoughts of the nerdy students who sit in the first row,” said third-year Pete Parker, who got lost on South Campus yesterday and can now read minds. “Now I really regret signing that petition for professors to move our midterms online.” The Enabler is investigating reports that Gene Block was flexing bronzed muscles and causing his vice-chancellors to drool this morning after he may have acquired the power of sex appeal.

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