Punching Down: Short King Victims Speak Out
WESTWOOD — The tempers of Short Kings everywhere are at an all time medium today, as recent instances of vertically-motivated violence have given a much […]
Screaming, Crying, Throwing Up: Learn To Spot The Symptoms Of E. coli
WESTWOOD — The CDC is reportedly concerned that signs of E. coli are being confused with reactions by some members of the public to recent […]
Haunted House On The Hill Just Classic Triple Inhabited By Three Men
WESTWOOD— In a whirlwind of festivity, the UCLA On-Campus Housing Council has decided to celebrate the spooky holiday season with their very own haunted house […]
England Collapses, Becomes East Wales
EAST WALES, BRITAIN— Following the recent death, resignation, or otherwise incapacitation of several of England’s most influential old white conservatives, the former global power has […]
Hurricane Warning Issued To De Neve Holly Residents
WESTWOOD — Students living in De Neve Holly woke up in a fright yesterday as they encountered flash flooding, humidity, and massive rain storms throughout […]
Opinion: The Westwood Enabler Will Never Be UCLAFits
WESTWOOD — Picture this: you’re a cool UCLA undergraduate, class of 2023. You’re bored. You open Instagram in search of entertainment. Do you go to […]
Report: Classmate Who Is “Bad With Names” Actually Despises You
WESTWOOD — Enabler reporters have confirmed that the classmate who still has not learned your name after four weeks harbors a deep and profound hatred […]
Incredible: Professor Using Just One Website For All Course Content
WESTWOOD — Students and professors alike were shocked to learn Thursday that Professor Amanda Chen uses only the premade Bruin Learn page for all lectures, […]
Hedrick Fire Alarm Going Off To This. Sick. Beat.
WESTWOOD — Residents of Hedrick Hall have been increasingly frustrated with the recent switch from standard fire alarms to ones with a small Taylor Swift trapped […]
Opinion: If Ned Fulmer Can Do It, So Will Your Boyfriend
Did you just celebrate your two year anniversary with Sweetie Cakes? Everything’s going well, he bought you flowers and gifts, and promised to love you […]