Girl On Self-Discovery Journey Has Yet To Discover She’s A Bitch
LOS ANGELES — After a full two and a half months, Sarah Myers has officially returned from “Sarah’s Self-Discovery Journey,” yet she did not seem […]
Quirky, Enigmatic, Brilliant, And Other Adjectives To Describe Daniel Radcliffe
TORONTO — On the red carpet of his recent biopic premiere, Weird Al Yankovic offered our reporter some words that can be used to describe […]
From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]
Opinion: Midterm Exams This, Midterm Elections That, I Just Wanna Grill For Godsakes!
Every so often the two most mid (as the kids say) things alive, exams and elections, somehow line up in November. People start freaking out […]
Kamala Harris Addresses Kerckhoff Grilled Cheese Combo Inflation At UCLA Rally
WESTWOOD — In a widely anticipated move to amp up the youth vote, Vice President Kamala Harris took the stage at the Luskin Conference Center […]
Freshman Breaks Off Long Distance Relationship With Mom
WESTWOOD— Freshman Joe Maman made the tricky decision Monday morning to break things off with his long-distance mother. “She wants to call me every day […]
Help! It’s My Second Rodeo But I Still Don’t Know What To Do
LIBERTY, TX— Onlookers at the Rip Roarin’ Rodeo were shocked Wednesday when prospective cowboy and local idiot Bucks McGee erred despite having previously attended a […]
BREAKING: Daily Bruin Member Cracks Joke
WESTWOOD — Did you feel an earthquake last night? That was the world shifting as Garrett Smurp became the first Daily Bruin member in the […]
REPORT: English Major Still Can’t Spell Kerckhoff
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year English major Lauren Ipsum shocked friends and classmates Tuesday when she spelled the campus landmark as “Kirkhoff,” “Kerkoff,” and “Kirckoff” within a […]
An Apple A Day Defends You From Your Doctor
TRANSYLVANIA — Recent studies have revealed that doctors are repelled by apples—a fact that the doctor hunters of Transylvania have known for years. “Apples have […]