Girl On Self-Discovery Journey Has Yet To Discover She’s A Bitch

LOS ANGELES — After a full two and a half months, Sarah Myers has officially returned from “Sarah’s Self-Discovery Journey,” yet she did not seem to discover her own awfulness. “Every morning I woke up, played Call Her Daddy, and said my affirmations: ‘I’m the main character in this story,’” Myers told the Enabler while sipping her $50 Erewhon smoothie. “I worked really hard to be a true empath and practice radical honesty. Some people think it’s mean, but my astrological chart told me that I will find comfort in others’ discomfort.” At press time, Myers was seen “protecting her peace” by yelling at a crying baby.