U.S. Mistakenly Shoots Down Stoner in Place of “High Altitude Object”:
CANADIAN AIRSPACE — Late this afternoon, the United States military shot down Colorado native and active stoner, Alexander Payton, after mistaking him for another Chinese […]
Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas For Your Boyfriend
Uh oh! Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and you haven’t gotten a gift for that special guy in your life! Are you sick […]
Opinion: If We’re Bringing Back Cigarettes, Why Don’t We Also Bring Back Opium?
I’ve noticed an interesting trend recently. You’re at a party, drinking your beers, sipping your jungle juice, and all of a sudden everyone is smoking […]
Gene Block Pulls A Gone Girl, Disappears
WESTWOOD — The campus community was in uproar on Friday following the disappearance of our beloved chancellor Gene Block. “I miss him so much,” sobbed […]
Three Signs You Have Developed A Parasocial Relationship With Gene Block
Are you feeling those pesky little butterflies fluttering in your tummy when you think about how close you are to Gene Block again after break? […]
Opinion: If I Spill My Trauma To You, Will You Let Me Into Your Grad Program?
I’ve known I wanted to be a neurosurgeon ever since I saw my grandfather get run over by a Zamboni. Right in that moment, as […]
Report: Oh, You Fucked It Up. You Fucked It All Up
HOLLYWOOD— According to multiple sources, you reeeaaally did it this time. “Take a cold, hard look at yourself,” said one source familiar with the situation, […]
Ask The Enabler: “Best Places To Hide A Vibrator In A Classic Triple?”
If a roommate questions why your portable charger is covered in white marks and has an odor, the safest bet is to blame it on […]