Tom Brady Comes Out As Bisexual, And IX Other Super Bowl LVII Predictions

1. A theater major will say “OMG, I didn’t even know it was the Super Bowl today! Gooooo sportsball!”

2. I will shift uncomfortably to hide my boner during Rihanna’s halftime show

3. No matter how the Eagles do, there will be a riot in Philadelphia

4. This year’s Doritos commercial will feature full-frontal nudity

5. I will probably have some Doritos

6. The rapture will begin with 30 seconds left on the clock

7. The new woke M&Ms will perform a drag show during halftime

8. My wife will come back to me. (I’m sorry for choosing football over the kids).

9. The quarterbacks will kiss and put an end to this ridiculous violence