Opinion: “Samueli?” More Like “Smelly.” You Stink!
WESTWOOD — UCLA is known for its beautiful architecture and iconic buildings. Even with a melancholy Mathematic Sciences Building, UCLA can keep its top spot […]
Uh-oh! You Did Your Makeup So Weird The Nice Girls Are Complimenting Your Unstyled Hair Instead
WESTWOOD — Reporting live from a packed Roebling backyard, the Enabler can confirm you did your makeup so weird that the nice girls are complimenting […]
Frat Member Changes Ways Thanks To Everfi Title IX Training
WESTWOOD — Sigma Alpha Epsilon member Tanner Hunter has changed his ways after completing the Winter 2023 Everfi Title IX training. “I wasn’t going to […]
Club Holds General Meeting At Most Inconvenient Time And Place Possible
BROAD ART CENTER— Members of the Baily Druin were upset to find out that their general meeting this quarter would be held at the furthest […]
Sexual Tension Alert! Neighbor Arrives At Apartment Door Same Time As You Do
FLOOR 4 – Late Tuesday night, third-year Chemistry major Carly A. Ptraction found herself arriving at her apartment at the exact same time as her […]
Breaking: Woman Scorned
HOLLYWOOD — The fires of hell could not compare to the fury of area woman Maria Cooper when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. “That ugly, […]
Small Discussion Group Grows Into Medium Discussion Group
WESTWOOD — Students in class Monday morning discovered that their small discussion group has expanded into their worst nightmare: a medium sized discussion group. “It […]
Foreign But Not Forgotten: Mourning Who Your Friend Was Before Study Abroad
Pasta, museums, one euro wine bottles: what more could a college student want? Clearly nothing, because your friend decided to ditch you for some European […]
“This Game Is Fucking Bullshit!” Little Brother Reports
LOS ANGELES— Members of the Miller family were recently informed by their little brother that the game they were playing was, in fact, bullshit. “It’s […]
Cupid To Upgrade To Rocket Launcher, Quote: “Gotta Get Those Numbers Up”
THE AIR — Love is in it, folks. And this Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s got a little something special up his diaper. “Lockheed Martin’s newest Hydrogen […]