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Articles by Elena Whitlock

White, blond man smiling

Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer

November 26, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]

Move Over Fjallraven! This Season’s Hottest Accessory Is A Handkerchief Tied To A Stick

May 15, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

PARIS, FRANCE — Paris’ top trend-watchers have announced that everyone’s favorite Swedish backpack is OUT, and a red handkerchief tied to a long crooked branch […]

Cupid To Upgrade To Rocket Launcher, Quote: “Gotta Get Those Numbers Up”

February 14, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

THE AIR — Love is in it, folks. And this Valentine’s Day, Cupid’s got a little something special up his diaper. “Lockheed Martin’s newest Hydrogen […]

Exhausted Dominatrix Hits The Sack

January 9, 2023 Elena Whitlock 0

Gene Block Accused of Cutting Corners

December 15, 2022 Elena Whitlock 0

Student Points Out Movie Was Filmed At UCLA, Cums

November 21, 2022 Elena Whitlock 0

WESTWOOD — First-year Jacques Mehoff has been struggling with non-coital emissions during recent group movie nights watching films he personally picked out. “Did you know […]

  • Someone glaring at another person standing in a corner at a party

    I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken

    As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]

  • Report: White Woman Lowkey Doesn’t Mind The Patriarchy

    BEVERLY HILLS— Maddie Rose Miller, a fourth-year Sociology major, CorePower Yoga instructor, and aspiring luxury real estate agent, has recently reported feeling no ill-will towards […]

  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes

    Just the other day, I was walking to campus, my fresh, virgin eyes bright and cheery, excited to see the world and all the glory […]

  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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