Breaking: Woman Scorned

HOLLYWOOD — The fires of hell could not compare to the fury of area woman Maria Cooper when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. “That ugly, cheating, lying, two-faced son of a bitch doesn’t know what’s coming to him,” said Cooper, who speaks exclusively in quotable sound bites and has never spoken to another woman in her life. “Finally, I have an opportunity to use my 30 years of martial arts training. He’ll rue the day he ever tried to sleep with his younger, sexier dental assistant and ignore me, his long-suffering devoted wife.” At press time, Cooper had been killed off to motivate her husband’s character development.

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