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Articles by Sam Haines

Sad woman at party

Opinion: Stop Inviting Me To “Senior Send Offs”; I Feel Like I’m Being Put Down

June 5, 2024 Sam Haines 0

Campus Couple Not Doing Anything Out Of The Ordinary Under That Blanket

October 17, 2023 Sam Haines 0

WESTWOOD — The UCLA community was relieved to discover yesterday afternoon that the students concealed by a large picnic blanket were just trying to watch […]

Friends talking at UCLA

Freshman Confident Week Zero Friendships Will Last

October 10, 2023 John Luke Piepgras 0

WESTWOOD — Two weeks into her freshman year, Sarah Miller is confident she has met lifelong companions. “We all just don’t like drama,” said Miller, […]

Opinion: Keep Up The Scathing Course Evaluations, We Are Close

June 9, 2023 Sam Haines 0

Most people see course evaluations as pointless, just another way to placate us, like the “close door” button on an elevator. I understand that perspective. […]

Uggo Alert! TA Not Hot Enough To Justify Attendance

April 7, 2023 Sam Haines 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA student Brad Eckel-Honesty decided against regularly attending discussion this quarter after his TA was revealed to be a full-on uggo. “Looking at […]

I Lived It: Someone Asked To Share My Table At Kerckhoff

March 9, 2023 Sam Haines 0

The first thing that struck me, looking up at her, was that she had a kind face. What struck me next was her nerve. “Hi, […]

Gay Man Gets Regular Married

February 28, 2023 Sam Haines and Gillian Smith 0

HOLLYWOOD — Gay area man Andy Spencer and his husband recently pushed the envelope by choosing to get regular married. “We had to look at […]

Report: Oh, You Fucked It Up. You Fucked It All Up

February 3, 2023 Sam Haines 0

HOLLYWOOD— According to multiple sources, you reeeaaally did it this time. “Take a cold, hard look at yourself,” said one source familiar with the situation, […]

CAPS Experiencing Unprecedented Surge Amid Egg Shortage

January 25, 2023 Sam Haines 0

WESTWOOD — The national egg shortage has left droves of Bruins without a key ingredient not only of their breakfast but of their self care. “We […]

Ackerman Smoothie Robot Also Striking

December 1, 2022 Sam Haines 0

ACKERMAN STUDENT UNION — In a unanimous vote, the Ackerman Beverage Kiosk Robotic Arm Union solidified plans for a strike. “I will bring UCLA to […]

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
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  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
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