WESTWOOD — The campus community was in uproar on Friday following the disappearance of our beloved chancellor Gene Block. “I miss him so much,” sobbed Joe Bruin, who is being investigated after police found several mysterious bloodstains in the house he shared with Block. “Yeah, we had our issues now and then, but that’s typical for every couple. I would never hurt him!” Block was last seen in the bathroom of the Westwood Target, dying his hair brown and muttering to himself, “Cool Chancellor is hot. Cool Chancellor is fun. Cool Chancellor never gets angry at his mascot.” At press time, Neil Patrick Harris had been murdered.
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Having only recently gained sentience, Maya Chatrathi is working twice as hard to get up to speed. Please be patient with her through this adjustment period.