U.S. Mistakenly Shoots Down Stoner in Place of “High Altitude Object”:

CANADIAN AIRSPACE — Late this afternoon, the United States military shot down Colorado native and active stoner, Alexander Payton, after mistaking him for another Chinese spy balloon. “I was just packing my second bowl of the day and then ‘boom,’ an F-22 shot my high ass,” Payton said, smoking in his hospital bed. “It happened to a buddy of mine in Alaska after his second bowl. They said my boy was between 20k to 40k feet high and a threat to civilian aircraft.” At press time, Payton was retracing his steps to figure out how he ended up in Canada before lighting a fourth bowl.